I got home from the hospital still a little psychotic. But they let me go a little early because I had a strong support system, my family, at home to keep an eye on me. The medicine I was on, Haldol, was working to keep the psychosis away, but it was making me extremely tired. I was sleeping about 18 hours a day. I felt normal again, just very, very tired.
I still needed help taking care of my family since I was sleeping so much. My family took turns coming into town to stay with us and help take care of the kids. First my mom and my sister Melissa, then my Aunt Sylvia, then my sister Amanda, then my youngest sister, Kayla, and my mom again. They all came for about a week at a time and while they were in my home taking care of us my mother in law, Deanna, would come and help too. I received so many kind notes and packages from my family and loved ones, we were overwhelmed with all the love and prayers we felt from everyone.
I had wanted to keep breastfeeding Emery which is why we wanted to get off the medicine as soon as possible. We were naive to think that I was getting better since I felt like myself, just really tired. We talked to the psychiatrist to see if we could slowly come off the medicine since it was making me so tired and unable to take care of my kids. He agreed and I eventually stopped taking my medicine. Little did we know that was a baaaad idea. I felt great the first day or two, but then started feeling really anxious again and suuper depressed that I still couldn't function and take care of my family.
The anxiety and depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not able to function and so severely depressed that I wanted to die. I was suicidal. I needed someone to stay by me at all times. I kept saying, "I don't think I'll do anything, but I feel like I want to die." I needed help and I wasn't getting it. Sure my kids were fine without me, but all I wanted was for me to be able to take care of them again! My thoughts were not good and I kept telling Nick to take me to the hospital again so they could just give me a big sleeping pill and I could just die.
Obviously those thoughts were very frightening to have. I'd never been so depressed or suicidal so these thoughts were scary and I didn't know where they were coming from. I have a beautiful family and the most amazing husband, why would I ever want to leave them. But I did. I laid on the couch and just cried. I just wanted a magic pill to make it all better. To make me normal again!
I was put on prozac and that started to help with the depression, but not immediately. So I had some pretty hard days of feeling depressed and anxious. And you can't understand those feelings unless you've been through them. And I hope no one can relate, because it's tortuous and hellish.
So after the whole depression deal I went psychotic again. We ended up at the emergency room again because I had had a migraine and was throwing up and couldn't stop and I was afraid the medicine wouldn't work because I just kept throwing up. So we went to the emergency room to get a pill to stop me from throwing up so I could take my psychotic medicine again. I never remember the first few days that I'm on the medicine. But what I've been told is that I was trying to leave the house a lot and I kept opening doors and looking for my kids and Nick. I had a really hard time when Nick wasn't around. He had to go to work and those hours he was gone were hard. I just needed him to tell me everything was going to be okay and we'd make it through this. Which he did tell me often.
I wanted to know exactly when this would be all over. Sure I was home, but I was on medicine that made me sleepy and useless. So after what seems like weeks, the psychiatrist decided to try a different medicine for the psychosis. So we tried abilify, which was great. It wasn't making me sleep as much and I had lots of energy and life was happy again, and then I went psychotic again....because the medicine wasn't the right one and wasn't working. So it was back to the hospital again...
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