This last hospital stay was two weeks long. I wasn't allowed to see my kids and only Nick could come visit me. To say it was hard would be the understatement of the year. I started out in the psychiatric unit where I was monitored closely. I was still acting weird and I remember there being a hand railing along the wall that I kept following, thinking it was the iron rod and at the end of it I would find my family and be happy again. Instead of that, the end of this railing led to a door that said keep out. I kept trying to go out the door and I kept running into other patients rooms. Not quite sure why I did that.
I was in the heavily monitored unit for about a week and it was hard being cooped up and unable to go for walks outside of see my kids. Benson's birthday was while I was in the hospital and I remember asking my psychiatrist if I'd be able to go home by the time it was his birthday. (Because I had already spent Kenzie's birthday and Nick and I's anniversary in the hospital). She said no, that probably I'd be in the hospital for another week. The mama bear came out and I told her off, saying, "You can't keep me away from my babies." And I followed her out arguing with her that I would see my babies. I got back into my room and my blood was boiling so I chucked my 2 water bottles at the door as hard as I could. Which really wasn't helping my case, but felt good to do.
Two doctors came in and told me I was scaring the other patience and Nick would have to leave. I immediately apologized and got on my knees and said a prayer. They let Nick stay and I calmed done and showed them that I could control my temper, I just needed my babies! I ended being able to see them on Benson's birthday. It was monitored and felt weird because I was told not to be overly excited, but to be calm and they colored while I held each of them and was so happy.
After a week in the hospital I was showing good improvement so I was moved to a different room where I had more freedom and wasn't surrounded my other people that were as psychotic. There were group classes I could go to to learn about coping with my anxiety and depression and other goal setting classes. Those helped my days seem more fulfilled. I did a lot of puzzles and crocheted a little bit. I felt like I was back to normal by the second week, but they still made me stay for 2 weeks.
When I finally got home I was on a new medicine, and feeling somewhat normal. Every morning I woke up I would feel high anxiety and depression, but it usually went away mid afternoon. It's now been a couple of months since my last hospital stay and I can happily say that I feel like myself again! The mornings are good, I can take care of my family and myself and I haven't had another psychotic episode! It's been a long year and I've had to face some very challenging trials.
I'm so grateful for modern medicine and my family and friends that have all said prayers for me and helped me get through my health issues. I can't say thank you enough. It's definitely been a humbling experience for me and I've come to realize we are all fighting our own battles and we all just need each other.
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